For the first time in 43 years, I am keenly aware of my age.  I am - most literally - middle aged.  My grandmother died at 87, which is somewhat normal for the women in my family.  In some ways, this revelation frightens me.  But in other ways, it's quite liberating. 

"Seize the day".  "Live life to its fullest".  "Make every moment count".  How many cliches and quotes are there to remind us just how short life is?  I'm sure I've uttered a few myself. But I never really got it.  And I still don't, but I'm getting closer.  Not that I have a large number of regrets in my life.  I think I've done pretty well considering the cards I've been dealt.  However, there is one regret that I not only carry with me, but I also repeat on a daily basis.  And it must stop, or my next 43 years won't be any better than the first.

Despite outward appearances, I am very insecure.  I am head strong and opinionated, and I live a non-conventional (albeit boring) life.  But I'm not living the life I was supposed to lead.  I am not the person I know in my heart I was meant to be.  And that makes me really sad for myself.  How have I dealt with my insecurity in the past?  I basically drank it away.   I've struggled with this dependency on alcohol for years, and I think I've finally - FINALLY - broken the cycle.  It's unimportant how and why I've made it over this major hurdle, but its done.  And just like my past smoking addiction, I think this is the real deal.

The downside to this is the constant awareness of my aforementioned insecurity.  I'm having a difficult time dealing with all these new emotions that I had numbed for the past 25 years.  Its intimidating, but I'm so much stronger now.  I see great potential in my future.

Basically, this all comes down to my fear of doing what I want to do with the time I have left on this planet.  I have wonderful fantasies of doing interesting and adventurous things with my life.  But, when the fear sets in at night, and I listen to those voices in my head (my mother's, specifically), I lose my courage.  I wake up in the morning a scared and broken person and waddle off to my loathesome but safe job.

When I started making plans to move to Georgia, Jennifer asked me what I wanted to do for a living.  My response?  "I don't know".  How is it that someone with as diverse background and abundance of interests could be 43 and not know what she wants to do with her life????  In reality there are loads of thingsI want to do, but I'm afraid to commit it to words because my insecure self will just end up getting a miserable desk job and hating life, just in a new zipcode.  I'M SO VERY TIRED OF BEING SCARED!!!!  I respect the limitations this economy has placed on us, and I appreciate that there will be some obstacles starting a new career at my age, but what the hell!!!!  If I don't start doing some uninhibited soul-searching and set up some realistic goals for getting there, then I might as well just crawl back into my pre-fab cubicle at my soul-sucking job and just end it now.


Phew.  I feel better already! I'm off to start my research.

p.s.  I must add that I don't actually want to start a new career.  I want to use my existing education and skills in a more positive way.  Surely I won't encounter the same obstacles that a 40-something would if he/she were starting from scratch.  At least I hope not!